“The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls.”

-Elizabeth Cady Stanton

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Narcissists & Punishment by Proxy

***Most estranged abusers will go running to anyone they can like the characterless people they are, with lies. This is part of the smear campaign an abuser will wage against his victim, getting to other people first before the shell-shocked victim can pull herself together, and lying about everything that happened between you, to make himself look like a saint, and you look like the one who is at fault.

***Now to normal people with half a brain, this doesn't make sense, and they do not believe his lies. But people who are insecure or judgemental or one of his new victims, choose to believe him and aid him in his abuse. “Punishment by Proxy” is typical in a dysfunctional family.

***The truth about why relationships with abusers end  is that their victims finally begin standing up for themselves and setting limits. 


When you give them specific examples, they deny, lie, blame you or someone else, and in general refuse to take responsibility, apologize, or make amends. They are just looking for an excuse to keep you talking and interacting with them, so they can argue with everything you say instead of showing any remorse. Once again, you will be the one put on the defensive, trying to justify and explain your position, while they tell you it never happened, they don’t remember a thing, or it’s in the past and you need to 'get over it.'

Other abusers, however, either can’t handle a direct confrontation with you, or realize that you will refuse to continue being abused. So they will enlist other people to do their dirty work for them, a Devil’s Advocate, if you will. They will go on and on, crying a river to anyone who will listen, pretending to have no idea why you are upset with them, and in general acting as pathetic as possible. 


1. Abusers will only choose to “remember” whatever will make them look innocent, and make you look bad. Anything they don’t want to remember will be conveniently forgotten. Except for the things they will claim are “in the past and you need to get over it and let bygones be bygones”. However, be aware that, by the abuser’s definition, “in the past” includes abuses she inflicted upon you yesterday, an hour ago, and five minutes ago. 

2. When your abuser claims to have no idea what he did wrong, HE IS LYING. He knows perfectly well what he did. He will try this ploy even if you have told him point blank and in no uncertain terms exactly what he did wrong, argued with him and protested his mistreatment for years, and repeated your complaints dozens of times. He has seen your distress every time he hurt you. In fact, that was his reward for hurting you and the reason he continued to hurt you. Because he loved knowing he COULD. You probably complained, rebuked, confronted, cried in front of him, fought with him, and tried in vain to set limits, for years, if not your entire life. And nothing worked, leaving you no choice but to end it for your own survival. There is no way he does not know what he did. That is a lie. He only has Selective Amnesia because it serves his purposes to conveniently “forget”.

3. If you take the bait, AGAIN, and tell him what he did, AGAIN, he will only use it to involve you in a lengthy discussion AGAIN, in which he will lie, AGAIN. He does not really want to know the answer to this question. He is not going to respectfully listen to your complaint, carefully consider what you have to say, admit guilt, and try to make amends. He is only going to argue with everything you say, just like he always has. It will be the same old pattern it always was, and you will be the one who winds up aggravated, stressed out, upset, and on the defensive. You will just be wasting your breath. And he will probably use the fact that you’re even talking to him as a golden opportunity to bicker, criticize, rant and rave, vent his spleen, get things off HIS chest, and upset and abuse you all over again. Who knows when he’ll get another opportunity to tell YOU a thing or two? After all, that is what he really missed - not you as a person and a loved one, but you as a TARGET.





4. It does not pay to attempt a nice, reasonable discussion with an abuser. You are deluding yourself if you think you can ever make him understand, admit anything, or be accountable in any way. No matter what he claims, he has no interest in resolving your issues. He only wants to bait you into another endless argument so he can pick up where he left off when you disowned him, and abuse you some more. Reconciliation is not his goal. Upsetting you some more, just like old times, is his goal. It’s a power thing. He just loves pulling your strings, claiming amnesia, lying, and denying everything you say, watching you get all worked up, and knowing he still has the ability to do that to you. If you answer an abuser who claims he doesn’t know what he did wrong, you will be playing right into his hands. 

It’s overwhelming. It’s not one or two obnoxious behaviors or hurtful episodes. It’s a PATTERN of ongoing, continuous, unrelenting evil. It just never ends, until we leave. With an abuser, it is NOT any one incident. It is not just his behavior, IT IS Him. It is the kind of person he is that we don’t want to have anything to do with. Abusers are evil, wicked, demonic people. Their behavior is merely an outward sign, a manifestation of the condition of their souls and the shriveled up, dead black heart within them.

It would be more accurate to list his personality traits rather than his behaviors as the reason for despising him. Imagine telling our abuser the truth- that he IS nasty, cunning, spiteful, manipulative, belligerent, treacherous, critical, lying, untruthful, bullying, conniving, deceitful, sneaky, trouble-making, jealous, sabotaging, envious, bitter, sadistic, malicious, selfish, narcissistic, hostile, dangerous, cruel, hateful, psychopathic, and abusive? That’s who he is. Who in their right mind would want someone like that in their life? What normal, healthy person would want to deal with this, or to expose themselves and their children to it?

Our revulsion, repulsion, and avoidance is a natural, normal, healthy reaction to exposure to evil. It is our God-given discernment setting off alarm bells in our heads and telling us to run for the hills. We left because we finally realized it was hopeless, and that changing these ingrained characteristics is impossible. Our abuser would have to change his very being, and that will never happen because he has no desire to. He left us no choice but to call him out in order to protect ourselves and our families.

The only way we can lead healthy, happy lives is to stay away from such evil people.  

from: http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=39548&P